How to Say Sorry to Your Partner

The fact is that no one is perfect. We all have the capacity to make mistakes and we make them often. Sometimes these mistakes can hurt other people, especially those we are closest to. The fights we have when we are in a relationship are made worse by our need to avoid irreparable damage. We may want to stay away from saying how we truly feel, since this may scare the other person away. However, when we try to bottle things up, we become more sensitive and easily triggered into an argument. Any fight in a relationship may feel like the end of the world when you have low self-esteem. But, arguments may be a time to help the relationship grow stronger if you know the tools to use.

The Power of Apology

There is usually no “right” person and “wrong” person in a fight. In most cases, both people involved have said and done hurtful things. Think about the fight you had with your partner. What did you say or do that you wish you could have done better? There may only be one thing. There may be several. While we are in an argument, we do not always say or do things in the most effective way. The heightened emotions cause us to lose sight of logic. At times, we become more interested in winning the argument, rather than preserving the relationship. If you want to maintain the relationship after the argument is over, the best first step is making an apology.

This apology cannot be of “sorry, not sorry” variety. This must be a sincere admission of what you were responsible for saying or doing during the argument. However, the ability to express this will first require:

  • Awareness of your role in the argument
  • Genuine desire to repair whatever hurt was caused
  • Forgiveness of your partner for what they said or did during the argument
  • Patience to allow your partner the time to also forgive you

When you apologize, it is best to objectively state what you did and the actions you are sorry for, using “I” statements. Do not passive aggressively direct blame toward your partner. An apology is not the time to say that all your actions were the result of your partner’s poor decisions. A sincere sentiment requires that you become accountable for the role that you played in the argument. This is a very vulnerable place to be in. However, when you realize the strength it takes to apologize and take ownership for your actions, you will be able to increase your overall self-confidence.


Calm Down and Focus on Your Partner

After the argument, take some time for yourself to reflect. This time is useful to help you get back to a neutral state of mind. You can try to find a private space to breathe deeply, practice meditation, or even do some yoga. Once you can calm yourself down, you can approach the apology with more self-esteem and awareness. When you apologize, and take ownership of your role, you can focus on the way that your words and actions made your partner feel, instead of solely thinking about the way that you felt. This is necessary to build strength in your relationship, and begins the healing process.

How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem After a Breakup

Well, the day you were dreading has finally come. You and your partner have broken up. There are a multitude of thoughts running through your head.

When will you stop hurting?

Was it your fault?

Will anyone love you again?

How much ice cream can one body consume in one sitting?

Although none of this feels likely right now, there will come a time when the pain of the breakup goes away, and you will fall in love again. Your self-confidence will be at its lowest right now, but it will improve with time. Here are some tips to help it improve a bit faster.

Forgive

First of all forgive yourself. Let go of any guilt or self-blame for the part you played or imagined you played in the breakup. What has happened is in the past, and hating yourself for anything will neither change what happened nor guarantee it won’t happen in the future. You should learn from your mistakes, yes, but you don’t need to have the lesson over and over smacking you in the face.

While you’re at it, forgive your ex (and any third party who may have been involved). This one is a lot harder than it sounds. I don’t mean you have to tell them in any way that they are forgiven, it doesn’t necessarily matter if they know this or not. What you are doing is letting go of anger and hate, and of the life you wish you’d had, and open yourself up to future love and happiness and the joy of a new life.

Live in the Now

Mindfulness is an awesome tool, and if you’re not already familiar with it, look into it a bit. It is a form of meditation that allows you to focus on something present (like your breath, or the pressure under your feet) while teaching yourself gently to bring your mind back to focusing every time it wanders.

Mindfulness rests on having no judgement about yourself or your thoughts. It encourages you to accept and ‘sit with’ your thoughts or feelings but not be affected by them. It teaches you that things like regret or worry don’t exist in the present moment, and are just thought constructs which you can control.

More on this in my AMZN e-book: http://a.co/5fdOv6K

Get Active and Discover New Fun

Do things that you enjoy and that you are good at. If you can’t think of any or don’t want to do old activities anymore then you need to find some new ones. Exercise even a tiny bit if you can because it will release endorphin that will improve your self-confidence. If you get sunshine on your skin while you’re doing it then even better. Tell several close friends that you need to be taken on activities and not to let you bail. Even if you don’t want to get out of the house tell your friends you need them to plan things at your home such as movie nights, cooking lessons or playing Carcassonne. You could make a pact with someone to try something new every week. You need to create new happy memories to build a new happy self.

Conclusion

The best thing you can do after a breakup is just be kind to yourself right now. Only do what you can manage, as you certainly don’t want to struggle with the above tasks and then find a new reason to lower your self-esteem. Surround yourself with people who love you and make sure they remind you just how lovable you are. And soon enough you will believe it.